Key-card?

I gave a copy of the key to my new place away yesterday.

What is it about the gesture of the key exchange that our society places so much importance on it? Maybe its the significant trust we place on another person to have complete access to our most worldly possessions? (Most worldly materialpossessions... ) That at any given time when they decide to fuck us over - they can just turn the lock and go in and take or mess up all our shit?

And they're aren't any real repercussions if they do because well - DUH - you're the one who gave them the key!

So what's the emotional equivalent of a key to your heart? Your innermost feelings, thoughts and self-doubt? What do you "give" when it comes to these things?

TANGENT: I feel like J.F. is like Lady Di and I'm like Fergie. She writes to save the world - I write to save myself.

I guess you have to start somewhere?!?!?!

I was kind of embarrassed to find out that she was on YW way back when I was ... I remember we agreed on a lot of things but I'm of the "slut feminism" camp - and she is of the "equal rights for all" camp ...

I'm not married to my position on these things in life - and I'm always open to suggestions. I feel like I put trying to 'save the world' on hold after undergrad. Maybe I was never really trying that hard in the first place.

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by all of the information I feel like I SHOULD know - because of who I am and because of the things I believe in ... and when I get overwhelmed ... I just end up doing ... nothing.

Which is counter-intuitive right? I mean I should be getting out there and actually DOING things not just sitting there passively watching.

Right?

Why is it that whenever I get onto Asian American / feminist identity issues I always end up feeling helpless?

Maybe my mother was right -"You're like a duck" she says ... "You know just a little bit about everything - but not enough about any ONE thing ..."

Isn't that how people get into trouble? Knowing just enough to GET you into trouble?

I don't know.
I just don't know...

Unedited?

So I went back through this thing and apparently half of my posts are unpublished...they're just saved as drafts.

If I could really tell you how much of a bitch I am - I don't really think we'd be friends ...

OUCHMOTHAFUCKA!

So - I'm making targets and deadlines all over the place - apparently my branch was the first US branch to hit our target $$$ last week.

GO ME!

Where the hell is my bonus check? I don't know but I got two last year so things really can't be THAT BAD ... or can they?

Sometimes I wonder if its laziness or complacency that gets to people? I've been slackeriffic lately and its bugging me ...

I'm just sooooo tired!!!! But I really DO need to get it together - even my mom says so ... "When are you going back? When are you going to take the LSATS ... etc etc etc"

(Yes, just like in the King and I - ETC ETC ETC!!)

"You're just so beautiful I can't even be mad at you."

Uhm. I'm not sure if that's on the inside as well though... it's just skin deep they say ... I'm afraid of being ugly on the inside.

When I grow up I want to save the world ...

What's the job description for that? Superwoman? (Wait - isn't EVERY WOMAN Superwoman??)

"I hate careless people."

Sure ... I weigh the consequences ... consider them for a bit ... and then I end up doing what I want anyway...

This is how I get myself into these situations ...

I've always been lucky though. Lucky enough to come out okay in the end.

It's been one of those weeks ... I keep bottling things up inside ... I'm afraid I'll burst one of these days.

Not today though... it's never today.

What have I been up to? Carelessly disregarding curfews and sleep for the sake of crazy fun.

Was I really that repressed? YES. I said REPRESSED. Pressed again. RE-PRESSED. haha.

As if chicks don't get enough shit from society anyway? There's that deep internal pressure to ... I don't know ... "do the right thing?"

How come I never do THE RIGHT THING? Or do I?

I always end up doing what I think is the right thing ... or at least to me anyway. But you know it's always perspective.

J. asked me what the most depressing song to me was ... THIS ONE: So be it, I'm your crowbar / If thats what I am so far / Until you get out of this mess

And I will pretend /That I dont know of your sins / Until you are ready to confess

But all the time, all the time / I'll know, I'll know

And you can use my skin / To bury your secrets in /And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion / I will ask no questions / While I do my thing in the background

But all the time, all the time / i'll know, I'll know

Why?

Because ... there's nothing more maddening than realizing you're bringing yourself down - and yet you still go ahead.

Call it masochistic - but I don't think I could do it any other way. Some part of me still wants that tortured artist soul...

It's substitution for us people who don't have to fight for our lives everyday. Call me crazy, but yeah - there's just no other way.

I just don't work like that.

Love story?

Romeo save me / I've been feeling so alone / I keep waiting / for you but you never come / is this in my head / I don't know what I'm thinking / he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said

Marry me Juliet / you'll never have to be alone / I love you / and that's all I really know / I talked to your dad / go pick out a white dress / its a love story / baby just say yes ...

Taylor Swift's "Love Story"

I don't think I ever had that dream... you know the one with the house, and the yard and the white picket fence? Two and a half kids and what not?

I had the penthouse in NYC and the convertible Ferrari dream. No man in tow. Just a hot cabana boy I could dispose of at will...

Damn it! I lied ... I kind of had that when I was with JoJoe ...

But I was 13 and I still believed in changing the world ... not that I don't now - I just go about it differently I suppose...

JoJoe was my very first "love" - and it was so funny because all we ever did was hold hands ... and skate around the rink ...

It was doomed from the beginning because I was a figure skater and he was a hockey player.
I was a merchant's daughter with a titled mother, and he was a statesman's son.

Pity how things work out that way.

(That and he also started doing drugs, left for England and got kicked out of school... yeah. I never liked bad boys ...)

I always pick the good, nice ones ... I suppose that has always been my problem...

Because even then, I never really had huge fights ... sure we girls would just do it to be dramatic - throwing rings and chucking cell phones at boys heads .. but I don't think I ever really meant it ... because I just didn't care enough to?

Or was it because I'm just built that way...

I hate drama.

But somehow, its always the case that when I leave - a friend of mine will take over.

WEIRD!

Not to quote Frank - but I do think Frank is pretty damn awesome - "What is this crazy thing called love?"

One of my aunt-in-laws once told me this:
"When you have a choice between a guy with $1000 and a guy with $100, pick the guy with the $100 who will give all of it to you, not the guy with $1000 who will only give you $100."

My response to her was this:
"How about I just make my own goddamn $1000 and pick the guy who I want?"

"Fair enough" she said ... but I'm beginning to see that it's not all just black and white.

Love ... makes you do crazy things ...

What's that Chris Rock bit where he says if you've never looked at the person sleeping next to you and you just absolutely want to kill them - then you ain't ever been in love!!

Really Chris?

They say the gods first created man, and then they created woman ... and then they created love - just to see what would happen ... and then they decided to try love for themselves ... and finally they invented laughter ... so they could handle dealing with love...

I suppose if you never actually really challenge yourself, you'll never grow right? Now is the bit where I go - yes, change is a good thing and getting comfortable is a sign of complacency...

I think I actually believe it though.

Which would lead to why I move so much, its either that or it was just easier to up and go than to actually sit there and deal with the issue at hand.

I don't think I'm a good learner ... it took me about 5 cities to actually try to figure things out ...

I have learned this ...

I have very high trust issues. I don't trust anybody. And by anybody I don't even trust my parents ... go fig.

I am highly co-dependent, but I have a HUGE commitment issue. Counterintuitive no? (WTF spell check? Really you don't recognize counterintuitive?!?! Or spelling the British way with S' instead of Z's?? Am I a dummy and have to change this to British English or something? I'm sure it just must be me... I have blonde tendencies that way... grr!)

V. thought it was hilarious that I sound like a Valley girl when she first came to work with me. "I seriously thought you were a gringa Jax."

OUCH!

And I know they don't really matter... but I failed my Asian & Thai tests on FB ... fuck! I really thought I could totally be compartmentalized into one label. I guess not?

Maybe this is why I LOVE love LOVE third culture kids and hapas ... it's like that middle ground, we're the in-between ... the not so much this way as we are that way...

We don't fit into a block, but somehow I think we all share this common bond ... wherever I go - whenever I run into them...

I'm still figuring it out ... but when I say that it usually means I already have a plan ... I'm just hanging out ... waiting to implement it ... eventually?

Its what my mother keeps telling me ... and so far I think she's been right? What can I say? She IS my mom!!

Did you know? Did you know! - I miss D's "did you know's" ... we always made fun of ourselves when we did that ... what happened to that kid anyway?

Did you know that April is Poetry Month?

Yes it's something that us first world countries have the luxury of promoting since we're not actually fighting wars and trying to survive. Then again, what is it about poetry that gets me every time?


I've always loved to love photographers ... its the narcissist in me ... I've always loved to love artists ... its the narcissist in me ...

Is that a valid job? What can I put down on my passport renewal? "MUSE" ???

Ugh. I hate taking pictures that you can't reshoot for another like - 10 years!! I keep putting it off now - but it's a lot cheaper to renew online so I guess I'll get the card AND the booklet.

yeargh.

6th time this week that pirates have hi-jacked a ship... arrggghhh matey...

I don't find pirates sexy. I must be of the ninja camp.

Long long ago ...

And far far away...

Isn't that how things usually being in fairy tales anyway?

I took a 2 and a half hour nap when I came home after doing 4 hours of absolutely NOTHING at work ... (well not really nothing, I was on twitter, blogging, facebooking and texting all at the same time ...NOT work related) - but 1 of my bosses cut out early and the other was goofing off watching TV in the office like me ..

Either way ...

M. decided to make dinner and take me out for desert ...

We both know its over - and its over...

I don't know what I could have told the kid - but I know I haven't actually talked to him since I made up my mind to split.

I realized that I wasn't bitchy enough.

What happens to girls when they end up trying to be nice?

They don't get what they want in life and they end up SHUTTING UP instead of speaking up.

Fuck the what?

Yeah I said it - fuck the what?

At the very least, we're both okay - and still friends ... I still have half a mind to introduce him to J. ... maybe not anytime soon - but you know .. eventually?

Shoulda, coulda, woulda...

They always say hindsight is 20/20 - but you know - at least you learn from your mistakes right?

I don't know how it happened that I decided to silence that part of me ... the part where I don't have a filter on my thoughts, where I'm completely sincere and brutally honest ... when I used to not give a flipping fuck about what other people thought ... (well I still don't, but I still care about what the people I care about think ... )

I don't know if I could blame my dad for this - (here's where the therapy pays off) - but he would always be conscientious of strangers ... but when it came to us ... it was like - you'll always be there since you're my family so it really doesn't matter what you think.

Strange logic indeed ... so I've always tried to be sure that I try not to hurt those who are closest to me ...

So much so that sometimes I forget to speak up about my likes and dislikes ...
Hell hath no fury like a woman who neglects her own desires in life ...

So when it all comes out ... its quite scary ... well I guess to somebody who is used to you not having an opinion ... it's kind of scary?

Curiouser and curiouser ...

I'm afraid of reverting to that girl inside of me ... she was mean spirited and cruel, but she always got what she wanted ...

Its always hard to find that Greek philosophical myth of the happy medium ... were the words of my boss today ...

It's nice since they're so understanding - then again, I've never actually have had a real problem with my bosses in my life ...

I think its part of the wishing really really hard

I still think I get what I want ... I just have to ask.

In a perfect world - everybody would have those scrolling marquees on top of their heads that broadcast exactly what they were thinking - maybe God needs to re-perfect his "intelligent design" to where there are LED screens embedded into our foreheads - so if you read what a person was thinking, and they said something else ... well then ... I don't know ... I don't really have it in me for all that science stuff anyway ... but I DO think that would be great for an Absolut commercial!!!

BRILLIANT!!!

In a perfect world ...

With a perfect boy ...

and a perfect girl -

there'd be no complications - need for explanations ...

old baggage / judgmental friends / doting parents - needs to make amends ...

In a perfect world - with a perfect boy and a perfect girl.

Me and Mia ...

I miss you ...

"Laine burst into laughter as she eyed Mia fondly. She had always had a weak spot for girls (and boys) with braces and glasses. Mia was one of those tortured artists that had an insurmountable talent for everything from music to poetry and short stories. Laine had always envied how Mia was such a good girl, always sticking to the conventional ways, listening to the parents, never smoking or drinking - especially on a school night - heavens no! That wasn't dear sweet Mia!"

I can't believe that I wrote that in 2004 about you :P Silly girl ... dicks are for chicks...

I was on the phone with KB last night - I guess she passed her nursing exams and is looking for a job, or looking to travel ... or looking for prince charming ...

Apparently - she's got it out for the title and the money... I didn't have the heart to tell her that its not all that cracked up to be ..

KB: "Jax - it's like this, at this point in my life, I'd like some rich, Scandinavian prince to come swoop me off my feet and provide for me and my friends and family..."
Me: "Uhm, what about Millionaire Match Maker? Try that??"
KB: "Oh MY GAWD! I watch it all the time!"
Me: "So, what's the problem? If I see any hot princes any time soon, I'll let them know you're available okay?"
KB: "Yeah yeah - hook me up Jax!"

Since when did I become a jaded Cinderella? I don't have that syndrome any MORE - thank you very much.

More importantly, I told her about the break-up... I don't think anybody is believing it for the time being, but this time its for REAL.

Then again, nobody thought I could ever be tamed either ...


There IS something to be said about that - what KB said to me was this: "Jax, you have to realize that you're one of those people who usually get what they want when you ask it of the universe, I don't know how you go about it, it just always seems to happen to you that way.

M. was good for you for that period of time in your life, and I really commend you for living so humbly for what now? 3 years? I can't even believe you lasted that long! You're not like that though - and everybody knew from the start that you were NOT LOW MAINTENANCE - you just have to say thanks for teaching me how to live that way, but it's not for me?"

(She's right, on all occasions - education, job, love etc... I just wish really HARD - and get what I want?? I guess!??! HAHA!)

What did I learn from this?

1. Always have a place of your own. Period.

Kind of like when I learned that "separate checking accounts" was the substitution for "i love you" in a marriage from my mom...

UGHHH!! The problem is - I always end up learning things the hard way, but I guess I'm better for it?

Dance like the music will never end, love like you've never been hurt....

Something like that? I think it goes?

Now I'm not usually one who goes 110% unless it involves my own self progress, but this time ... its different?


Fear, trepidation, anxiety, doubt ... mixed with elation, happiness, joy and giddiness ...

Sometimes you just know ...

Its funny the way my classes have brought about this ... "change" ... I used to be fearless and just jump, trusting my gut ... (well its gotten me THIS far now hasn't it?!?)

I don't know what happened when I decided to "settle" - funny how that word works in more than just one way...

I just slid into a pattern of not demanding ...not demanding enough from myself?

Blame it on apathy or laziness, anything but yourself of course ...

BFF's ... and ever and ever...

I came home to find Tony Bennett on Elvis Costello's Spectacle tonight after ninja class ...

He started to sing "The Way You Look Tonight" ...

You know how some songs just take you back to places where you were mentally, physically and you remember down to the very last detail what you were doing?

This song reminds me of when I was young and still believed in love and marriage (and a baby carriage - so it goes???) ....

I still do ... eventually ... I think ... I just have to feel it out ...

Sometimes - I think life is just too short NOT to try to do everything in life just once, which ... I suppose this is why I end up with the most crazy outrageous stories ... (are they really? What if? Have you just ever wondered - what if? What IF you had taken a chance? What IF you had said yes to that stranger in the coffee shop??? WHAT IFF!!!!!)


I remember talking about my "what if's" with A.S. - I still need to call her about all this fun-ness going on in my current life...

Anyway - long winded tangent there ...

When I listen to Tony Bennett's "The Way You Look Tonight" - I remember sitting on the day bed at the beach house... just coming up from a ride on the jet skis ... the sand still on my feet ... and picking up my cell phone and calling B.P.

He had stayed in the city to talk over things with his girlfriend (one of two I think at that time?) - and I had summer vacation to lounge about the pool...

I had just re-watched My Best Friend's Wedding... and so had he ... the question came up and I gave him a limit of 55.

I would only get married to him if we were both single and not with anybody and if we hit the age of 55, I figured we were probably both lost causes and wouldn't have anybody to spend the rest of our lives with.


Funny how life happens ...

We're on separate continents now, and we're both trying to figure things out ... I'm glad we've always remained friends ... and I'm glad we NEVER DATED EACH OTHER!!!

When I say I don't want to get married ... I actually mean, I don't want to marry YOU.

I suppose when you know ... you just ... know.

Perhaps its mutual, or maybe it just so happens that its circumstantial... either way, what compels two people to spend the rest of their lives with one another?

Maybe its like that saying? Don't stay with somebody you can just live with, be with somebody you can't live without?

I don't know ... there are so many of those stupid proverbial relationship things that you can just never keep track of them ...

which is why i stopped ...

I don't have any rules... I just know what I want ... what I like ... what I don't like ...

And maybe - I'll eventually figure it out. In the mean time ... hanging out is just fine with me :)


On another note - can you just imagine how freakin' musically talented Elvis Costello and Diana Krall's kids must be?? DAAAAYAAAAAMMMNNN!!!

I want a piano.

Love songs ...

What is it about cheesy love songs that have some sort of proverbial truth to them??

On (lunch) break... this is why I love my job ... its funny the way things work out you know, sometimes you think things like - THIS IS IT!! THIS IS THE END!!! and of course it never really is ...

Sometimes you just have to look back at things and laaaaauuuuggghhh...

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you / Or are you goin' back to the one you love? / Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you /Someone's gonna thank the stars above ... Glenn Frey's "The One You Love"

Really? You couldn't find any other lyrics to rhyme that shit with?? Either way...what is it again? There's always some truth to a joke you know ...

I've decided to help B.G. out with her Love. She's miserable here - I think technology should be her friend ... maybe if we room together she'll start being a social network-aholic like me ...

Maybe baby.

I like this boy so much - its just not right...

And there in lies the old me where I build up walls and fortresses so I can make sure that I'll be okay in the end ...

Or is it just because I've always been scared of falling down the rabbit hole?

Perhaps.

On the other hand - the higher the castle towers the further you fall?? I don't know how this analogy actually pans out ... I'll keep working on it though..

I'm pretty sure I'm over my Cinderella syndrome ... I don't keep looking for a white knight to come rescue me any more - I DO realize that its got to be ME who gets a career, a health plan and a 401K / retirement fund...

Hmm, whatever happened to chivalry?

Then again, would I really want to live by those rules?? Being some sort of inanimate object / property of some dude?

Yeah... not so much.

You know that space in time when you're feeling out something new? Everything just seems so much more alive, the colors are brighter, the sun is bigger, the moon is shinier - its kind of like that.

And you inch forward with trepidation, but you're afraid not to go ahead - and it's even scarier if you fall back...

Its kind of like this - you know where you've already been, so why not try moving forward?


Just fall already Jax - why are you so chicken shit????

Instant illuminzation ...

Two years ago I see it has been?

They say experience is what you get when you don't get exactly what you want ...

Or something like that ...

Change was inevitable ... you move on with life, get on with life, get going, get up and keep plugging away at it

I did it ... I took the bull by the horns and cut off his balls. Figuratively speaking ...

You know how there are moments in life when you just know when you look at something and it eventually just decides to work out?

Its kind of like that for me this week.

Sometimes people stay in relationships longer than they actually need to because they're too afraid to cut the cords of comfort that they've gotten so used to ...

True dat.

This is why I think Madonna is always interesting ... well she kind of got boring after the kids and Guy Ritchie and all but the point its - if you're consistently changing, evolving - developing your situation in life to where you'd like to be - eventually - don't you think you'll get "there" ??

It's kind of like that feminist theory - you know - there is no THERE - there ...

Hence when you actually get "There" - where is it that you were going in the first place?


I'm confuzzled.

I miss this ... I've missed you ... great keyboard of a friend ... no matter how far I stray from you and cheat on you with the TV and dvd's and dvr's you'll always be my faithful lover ... always willing to give me the comforting click-clackings late into the nights when I'm pondering deep emotions and thoughts and figuring out my life ...

Why is it that when I get myself into these types of "situations" I always write ... and maybe write well??? (Is there that hope for me just yet?)

No, I'm not sure what all of this really means / (I don't think you're what you seem / but that's the way that it goes and nobody knows ...) - okay - random tangent - point being ...

Sometimes - you should be careful what you wish for ...

Because when you actually get it - there is nothing in the world that will keep you from not having it ... attaining, acquiring it for your own damn selfish reasons ...


No matter what.

"Remember when break was a good word? Milk break, spring break, coffee break? What happens when you grow up and break becomes a bad word? Break up - break down, heart break?" - Sex and the City

"I guarantee you I will break your heart." This is the old adage I always lead with when I encounter a potential...

A friend of mine once posed this question to me - "How does it feel to always be wanted? To always have that in the back of your mind that you will always have somebody who wants you?"

My answer to him was "I don't know. I don't think about these things I suppose - maybe it's easier for me to weather not getting rejected, but its not really about other people - I'm too selfish - it's really about what I want in life."

Looking back now at my old posts ... quizas, quizas, quizas ... it was my own convincing that got me into this position all this time...

and then sometimes you feel the inevitable coming along and you do the thing that you know you should have done - so long ago...

And because I'm a terrible, god-awful, spoiled rotten brat - I want to scream at people I know and say WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME RESCUE ME?!?!?!?!

And I know I would just burn myself out crying with so much anger and rage that I just don't think I have that kind of energy to do so anymore...

I'm a good girl now ... I no longer cheat ... on myself or on others ...

I know better now ... that it is better to have loved and tossed than not have tried at all...